Hotel Transylvania is an unrestrained, unabashed kids movie. Even with all the classic monsters INVOLVED, director Genndy Tartakovsky has no interest in joining this year's ParaNorman in being unafraid to scare a few kids. Surprisingly, that happens to be Hotel Transylvania's most charming trait.

As the classic mythology goes, Dracula (Adam Sandler) runs a high-end, invisible hotel for all his fellow monster buddies, from "Frankenstein" to the invisible man. It's not exactly a business venture, though, as it was mainly created to keep his daughter, Mavis (Selena Gomez), safe from the world of humans. Now, turning 118 years old, Mavis is coming of age and wants to explore the world, and Dracula will do everything he can to make-sure that does not happen. With all the talk of humans, it's no surprise one of them, Jonathan (Andy Samberg), actually turns up to both drive Dracula mad and fall in love with his daughter.

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“Dancing With the Stars: All-Stars” premiered Monday night with 13 seasoned performers vying for the championship and bragging rights, but judges’ scores reflected their higher expectations.

This is the popular dance competition’s 15^th season, but the first featuring past competitors vying in an all-stars format.

For the first time, the three judges awarded scores in half-point increments, for a maximum of 10 points each. The couple with the lowest score after the judges’ and viewer votes are combined will be voted off each week, until the final couples remain to battle for the championship.

Head judge Len Goodman said judges would be tougher on the stars this season because they were not novices and standards would be more stringent.

The Routines

Joey Fatone: The former N’Sync boy band member’s enthusiastic cha-cha earned modest approval from the judges. “I love watching you dance,” Goodman said at the end of Fatone’s performance. Fatone got 20.5 out of a possible total of 30 points.

Shawn Johnson: Johnson, the retired Olympic gymnast, delivered a light, sweet foxtrot that pleased the crowd but disappointed Goodman. “For me it didn’t really feel like a foxtrot … ,” he said, while adding that Johnson was a good dancer. Judge Bruno Tonioli felt that the routine seemed to be a mix of foxtrot and the cha-cha, but said it had sex appeal, while judge Carrie Ann Inaba said she loved the routine. “That is what all-stars’ season is all about,” she said. She earned 22 points (the audience booed when Goodman awarded a 6.5).

Sabrina Bryan: Bryan, a season 5 fan favorite whose early departure shocked fans, turned in an enthusiastic cha-cha that judges said may have been too enthusiastic. “You are on fire … but you have to be careful ’cause you sometimes overdance,” Inaba cautioned Bryan. Bryan earned 22.5 points.

Helio Castroneves: The season 5 champion’s  smooth, swanky foxtrot pleased the ballroom audience, and for the most part, the judges. Tonioli told Castroneves that he had such a bright, engaging stage presence that people were focused on watching his face and not his feet, adding that he “messed up” quite a bit. Goodman agreed, saying “For me, it was a joy to watch, mostly …while Inaba said the racecar driver had charisma and charm but needed to have made more body contact in the  routine. Judges awarded Castroneves 21.5.

 Pamela Anderson: The actress’ tentative cha-cha drew disappointing reviews from judges. Goodman told her that the performance reminded him of a child who had just had the training wheels removed from a bike. “It was a bit shaky but you didn’t fall over and you got through it,” he said. Tonioli told the “Baywatch” beauty that she needed to work harder. Anderson was awarded 17 points.

Melissa Rycroft: The TV presenter’s fluid foxtrot drew a standing ovation from the audience, but the judges were less enthusiastic. “I liked it, I just thought it was a tad theatrical,” Goodman said. Inaba and Tonioli both said Rycroft and her partner, Tony Dovolani, needed to have more body contact. Rycroft earned 21.

Apolo Ohno: The season 4 champion and Olympic gold medal-winning skater delivered a funky cha-cha that had Inaba smiling from ear-to-ear.  ”Is it just me or did you just get 3,000 times more sexy?” she said, praising his hip action and leg work. He earned 22 points.

Gilles Marini: The actor’s stylish foxtrot drew high praise from all three judges. Tonioli said the routine had panache and finesse, adding it was “technically so good. Can I see it again?” Inaba called the performance “gorgeous,” while Goodman said it was “sophisticated.” Judges gave him 24 points, the highest score of the night.

Bristol Palin: The reality TV personality and daughter of former Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin showed far more confidence Monday night than she did when she performed on season 11, and judges paid attention. “I vote you most improved since last time we saw you,” Inaba told Palin, whose famous mother, father Todd, and young son, Tripp, were in the audience to watch the performance. Goodman told her she had “great legs,” while Tonioli enthused: “Bristol darling, is it really you?” Judges awarded her 19.5 points.

Drew Lachey: Lachey won the show in season 2 and his airy foxtrot Monday night brought the audience to its feet, and drew largely positive comments from the judges. “I liked it but it was all a bit too hard and hectic for me …,” Goodman said. Inaba and Tonioli liked the performance, but cautioned Lachey against having too rigid a posture. Lachey earned 21.5 points.

Kelly Monaco: The season 1 champion and soap opera star had never performed a cha-cha when she first competed because the show’s initial season was only six weeks long, but tonight her cha-cha wowed the judges. “You were a stunner, well done, Kelly, my darling,” Tonioli told her. He and Inaba told Monaco to straighten her legs more. Goodman said he loved the dance, but told Monaco to lower her shoulders more. She earned 21.5.

Kirstie Alley: The season 12 second-place finisher drew applause from the audience but judges had mixed reviews. Inaba told the actress that she had “the most beautiful, sensual quality” when she danced, but needed to increase the intensity.  Goodman told Alley she needed to lift her rib cage. “It needed refining,” he said. “The quality of movement wasn’t superb.”  Before she left the dance floor after her routine, she kissed Tom Bergeron on the lips for a few seconds. “That’s for your Emmy!” she told the surprised co-host.

Emmitt Smith: The former “Dancing” champion delivered a rhythmic cha-cha that Goodman declared  the best dance of the night. Tonioli told  the NFL legend that he was “always a natural with truckloads of charisma.” Smith earned 24.5 points, the highest of the night.

One star will be voted off Tuesday night.

The Totals

Joey Fatone and Kym Johnson: 20.5

Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough: 22

Sabrina Bryan and Louis van Amstel: 22.5

Helio Castroneves and Chelsie Hightower:  21.5

Pamela Anderson and Tristan MacManus: 17

Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani: 21

Apolo Ohno and Karina Smirnoff:  22

Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyed: 24

Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas: 19.5

Drew Lachey and Anna Trebunskaya: 21.5

Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovskiy: 21.5

Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 19

Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke: 24.5

So, the finale of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" kind of called to mind a drunken argument outside a college bar, which would be more amusing if any of these people ever a) went to college or b) were in their early 20s, when such abject stupidity seems to come with the territory.

I could recap this blow by blow, but I'd rather not have a brain aneurysm and really, there's just no point. The long and short of it is this: a bald man named Angelo walks up to Melissa at the Posche Fashion Show (which seems neither posh nor fashionable) and tells her that he knows her. And how does Angelo know Melissa? He claims that she stripped at a bar he managed. Quelle horreur!

 

Stripping is apparently a terrible, very bad thing which causes the housewives and their loved ones to fall back in their seats a la "Downton Abbey," swooning and calling for smelling salts. Only Kathy is willing to point out that she doesn't care whether Melissa's stripped or not. Hey! That's an excellent point! Too bad no one else gets it. 

 

Anyway, Teresa discovers this scandalous factoid about Melissa while visiting a salon the day before the event. Angelo intends to humiliate Melissa by exposing her dreadful secret to all of her friends and family! Who would never imagine she could be a stripper or anything! 

 

Teresa does not believe this awful man (yes, she does)! She has every intention of defending her family (not really)! 

 

After Angelo stops by Melissa's table and CLEARLY chickens out ("Hi Melissa! I remember you! Um, okay, bye!"), Teresa decides that it's up to her to make sure the finale has lots and lots of drama. She corners Melissa in the bathroom and informs her that Angelo has been telling people she's a former stripper! And she thinks they should join forces, Wonder Twin style, to confront him, that bad, bad man!

 

Melissa, who maintains she was a BARTENDER and not a stripper, hello, decides to call her husband instead. Teresa is appalled. Joe might come by and knock the crap out of Angelo! He'll wind up in jail! And Angelo might reveal, while being battered and bloodied by Joe's teensy tiny fists, that this was all Teresa's idea in the first place, maybe!

 

It doesn't matter anyway, because after blowing his big reveal, Angelo skanks off into the night anyway. There will be no fisticuffs tonight -- but that doesn't mean there won't be drama. 

 

But, as dramatic as everything is in a post-adolescent "oh ma God, did you hear what SHE said?" kind of way, from this point forward the plot only becomes more convoluted. It's what I imagine things were like at the palace of Louis XIV, though the stakes were a bit higher and the clothing was much classier. Caroline and Kathy and Jacqueline text friends, each other, probably pay some bills, who knows what -- they spend a lot of time on their phones. There is general tension. Then, Joe arrives with Rich in tow, which doesn't serve much purpose, as we all know Rich is a lover, not a fighter.

 

Joe not being an idiot, he is pretty quick to sniff out the real trouble maker (given that Angelo isn't around to pummel) -- Teresa.

 

Poor Teresa. I thinks she really believed she'd be able to have her cake and eat it, too -- she'd get to out Melissa as a stripper AND come to her defense, simultaneously embarrassing her sister-in-law and making her feel indebted to her at the same time. Of course, such a devious plan is far too complex to be well-executed by a dim bulb likeTeresa, especially not in this high tech age. Teresa would have been much happier hanging out with Louis XIV, who did not have cell phones or Facebook.

 

Soon, Jacqueline is revealing to everyone that a friend of hers texted her that she heard Angelo revealing his devious plan well within earshot of Teresa. Teresa is stirring the pot! Caroline smirks, as she seems to have been the only housewife committed to hating Teresa throughout the season, and this is justification for her making that horrible face like she's just drunk spoiled milk in every episode. 

 

While Teresa is soon the focus of everyone's collective ire, there is, of course, plenty of blame to pass around. Joe picks a fight with Posche Fashion Show owner Kim D. and accuses her of being a drunken drug addict, which incites her to point fingers and scream that she hangs with the big boys. Um, the big boys of fashion shows? I'm not even sure if she knows what she's nattering on about. Joe just wishes she were a man so he could slug her. Aw, that's so chivalrous in such a caveman kind of way. 

 

While everyone is waiting for their cars on the sidewalk, having determined that the evening has been pretty thoroughly ruined, Teresa is inside the restaurant having a grand old time. She just wanted to help her sister-in-law! This is all Jacqueline's fault! She stirred the pot, not poor widdle Teresa! I'm not sure why Jacqueline hasn't learned that no good deed goes unpunished in Teresaworld, but I think in this episode she's finally going to figure it out.

 

When a few of Kim D.'s friends try to convince Teresa that, despite Melissa's claims, she WAS a stripper, you can practically see Teresa pant with excitement, then remember the camera is right next to her head. "No, no, I'm not listening to this!" she tells Bravo viewers. "I am a good person who does not wish my slutty sister-in-law ill in any way! Are you recording? If you're not, I totally want to hear this gossip, but if you are, I'll stick with my original statement."

 

Finally, just as everyone's about to roll away in extremely large cars, Teresa emerges from the restaurant, her eyes as wide and Bambi-like as she can manage. She just wanted to protect Melissa! She wanted to join forces with her to confront Angelo about his salacious lies which are probably true! Her brother Joe doesn't care. Melissa doesn't care. They are, like, totally over Teresa. Again. 

 

Most importantly, Jacqueline is totally over Teresa again, too -- especially after Teresa stomps up to her and asks her what she knows. Poor Jacqueline tells her what her friend said and what she passed along. A-ha! Shoot the messenger, Teresa! "Maybe you're the one who set ME up!" Teresa screeches at her former BFF. Huh? Oh yeah, Teresa thinks this is all about her. How silly of me to forget. 

 

Teresa tries to foist her crazy on Joe and Melissa as they drive off, but they're not interested. Jacqueline disappears, leaving Caroline to wonder how she's going to drive her home if Jacqueline's under a table somewhere sobbing. I guess she does it, though, because the next thing we see is a cut to the reunion show (which takes place twelve hours later -- not much of a reunion, really).

 

Jacqueline refuses to come to the reunion, because she can't bring herself to look at Teresa. Melissa, however, can bring herself to look at Teresa, and screeching ensues. We will get plenty of that next week, as this will be a three-part reunion special (aren't they all?) and it will probably be very much like most of the "RHoNJ" reunion specials, as everyone gangs up on Teresa and she bugs out her eyes like a Disney ant with very well-coiffed extensions and innocently says, "Who, me? I'm just an innocent widdle thing!"